School jokes

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them!

- The food in our school canteen is perfect.
- If your a bug !

What was King Arthur's favourite game ?
Knights and crosses !

PUPIL: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
PUPIL: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Did you do your homework?
PUPIL: No teacher.
TEACHER: Do you have an excuse?
PUPIL: Yes, it's all my mother's fault.
TEACHER: She kept you from doing it?
PUPIL: No, she didn't nag me enough!

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !

Mother: How do you like your new teacher ?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up front for the present and then she didn't give me one !

Teacher: If this class doesn't stop making so much noise I'll go crazy ?
Class: Too late, we haven't made a sound for an hour!

TEACHER: Why are you holding your textbook up to the window?
PUPIL: You told me to open it up to the Middle East.

PUPIL: Mum, can I have a new pair of plimsolls for gym, please?
MUM: Why can't Jim buy his own?

- Why were the members of the cricket team given lighters?
- Because they kept losing their matches.

Jokes about birthdays

"When's your birthday?"
"July 23."
"What year?"
"Every year!"

What is your favourite type of present?
Another present!

What did one candle say to the other?
"Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

Jokes about vampires

Why does Dracula have no friends ?

Because he's a pain in the neck !

What's a vampire's favourite sport ?

Batminton !

How does a vampire like his food served ?

In bite sized pieces !

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day ?

A coffin break !

What happened to the mad vampire ?

He went a little batty !

Knock knock jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Alva !
Alva who ?
Alva heart !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Amazon !
Amazon who ?
Amazon of a bishop. What's your father do ?

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
U-2 !U-2 who ?
U-2 can buy a brand-new car for only $199 a month !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Lass !Lass who ?
That's what cowboys use, isn't it ?

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Leif !
Leif who ?
Leif me alone with all these questions !

Jokes about sport

What part of a football pitch smells nicest ?
The scenter spot !

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ?
Somebody took a corner !

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ?
Because he liked sole music !

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ?
Cornflakes !

Which football team loves ice-cream ?
Aston Vanilla !

How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches !

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium !

Jokes about school

What tables don't you have to learn ?
Dinner tables !

Why was the headmaster worried ?
Because there were too many rulers in school !

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom ?
Because there are no pupils to see !

Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet !

Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil : No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right

Teacher : What are you reading ?
Pupil : I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil : But I'm not listening !

Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !

Jokes about computers

"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"

"My right hand."

" Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."

Computer helpline?Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it doesn't work any more.

Repairman: What did you clean it with?

Customer: Soap and water.

Repairman: Don't you know you're not supposed to touch a computer with water?

Customer: Oh, it wasn't the water that caused the problem...it was the spin dryer!

Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!

Has the computer stopped working?

No, but there's a lot of crackling.

Jokes about doctors and animals

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies !