Jokes about sport

What part of a football pitch smells nicest ?
The scenter spot !

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ?
Somebody took a corner !

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ?
Because he liked sole music !

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ?
Cornflakes !

Which football team loves ice-cream ?
Aston Vanilla !

How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches !

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium !

Jokes about school

What tables don't you have to learn ?
Dinner tables !

Why was the headmaster worried ?
Because there were too many rulers in school !

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom ?
Because there are no pupils to see !

Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet !

Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil : No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right

Teacher : What are you reading ?
Pupil : I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil : But I'm not listening !

Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !

Jokes about computers

"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"

"My right hand."

" Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."

Computer helpline?Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it doesn't work any more.

Repairman: What did you clean it with?

Customer: Soap and water.

Repairman: Don't you know you're not supposed to touch a computer with water?

Customer: Oh, it wasn't the water that caused the problem...it was the spin dryer!

Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!

Has the computer stopped working?

No, but there's a lot of crackling.

Jokes about doctors and animals

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies !